A Profound Week...or....I am My Own Bride

Hello my loves!  This is meant to be a quick update to keep you posted on happenings in my life.  I've had another profound week.  Experienced the whole gamut of emotions from excruciating pain throughout my entire body, a near death experience (I am not shitting you), so much puke, poop, barf and tears, I was cursing orifices!!!  So much humor, laughter...and so many tears.  So many angelic nurses...and a psychotic nurse.  I actually provided feedback to the ombudsman at the hospital.  I complimented those who did their job well - they don't hear it enough as we tend to complain more than compliment.  Don't know why this is, but it's stupid.  And in an effort to perform the work God has assigned me, also filed a formal complaint against a very mean doctor.  That was hard for me.  But I must do all I can to eradicate this type of behavior.  I must do my part to create a better world for my nephews.  I don't have any choice.  I am God's conduit.

Whew.  What a mouth full.  So much for a quick update, lol!  I had minor surgery Monday.  Had complications from anesthetic.  I met God.  His name is Dr. Park and he is Korean-American, I believe. And so, so gentle.  I asked him to marry me.  Had the nurses cracking up even before I was on drugs.  And I'm sorry to report that it was not possible for them to give me enough pain medicine.  Man, who knew the human body was capable of sustaining so much pain?  I guess moms do.  I didn't know because I've never had a child. Also made the angel-nurses cry.  So much love and kindness.  And then.  A brutally vicious, impatient and unkind nurse.  After all the love she couldn't have hurt me worse had she stabbed me in the heart.  In fact, a knife would have been preferable to her cruel treatment.

I was in the wheel chair and ready to go.  Sooooo ready.  I friggin' hate hospitals.  Lame, I know, but who does?  I just couldn't wait to get out of there.  I was there much longer than anticipated.  Had cell phone issues so couldn't reach my ride.  Cell phone would not work in the hospital.  Mean nurse wouldn't let me use land line.  Mean nurse wouldn't let me go outside.  Finally I said, "Am I a prisoner?"  No, she said.  Then I'm leaving.  I got up and I fully intended to walk home if need be.  I will never ever stand helplessly and let someone treat me badly again.  I've reached my limit.  I'm 52 years old.  I will not engage in meanness. From now on I will run from meanness.  Even if I love you.  Just cuz I love you don't mean I gotta take your shit.  If I love you and you love me, then it's on.  I'm gonna be good to you.  But I must protect my heart.  Can't do God's work if my heart is broke.  Hey Al Green and Smokey Robinson say it better than I ever could.

I got up to leave.  Mean Nurse said in a lazy-i-don't-give-a-shit-voice (look lady, I know you're tired and overworked, and oh yeah, you're the only one in the world in that boat):  I can't let you do that.  I did not give a shit what she could or could not let me do.  I can be a hot head.  I'm really, really stubborn.  Not kidding.  Sometimes God has to give me a blow to the head (that's a Monty Python joke), lol!

I said, "Are you going to call security?"  Not giving a shit what her answer was.  I was leaving.  Once my mind is made up...that's it.  Plus I was over-medicated.  She said no.  I said call the cops if you want.  Do what you gotta do, I'm doing what I gotta do.  I wasn't bluffing.  I was ready to be a 52 year old woman who just had surgery being taken in cuffs to jail - on the news.  My friend was from out of town, I was panicking that he had an accident.  In 30 years I've known him, he's never ever showed up late.  I was beside myself.

I left.  I walked.  It's only 7 miles home, so I was ready to walk the whole way if need be.  My friggin' cell phone is still not working.  I never have problems with that phone!  I only walked a couple of blocks.  Then God sent another angel, my sister-in-law.  She saved my life.  Again.

My loves, I'm getting a little tired and still have so much to tell you.  But I need to wrap this up for now.

Some wonder how I can prepare such long posts, and have been criticized for being too prolific.  Here's a confession:  the reason for large gaps on my blog is that sometimes a post takes me a week to write.  As is the case here.  If you're impatient and want a quick look at what's happening, I invite you to check out my Facebook page on the sidebar.  I do use Twitter to a lesser extent, but mainly for politics and trying to catch Prez Obama's attention, haven't succeeded there.  Yet.  And oh yeah, I'm an insomniac.  It's a gift.  And a curse.

Here's a boring update on my love life (or lack thereof).  A few weeks ago, I was excited because I thought I had found THE ONE, who sure took his sweet time getting here.  I even smugly reminded my readers that love comes in all shapes and colors.  Like paintings.

I was mistaken.  Oh well, not the first time.  Hoping it's the last.  He abandoned me at this crucial time.  I put his ring down the garbage chute.  I did it with love, not anger.  I thanked him for the lesson.  I told him, "See ya.  But not again in this lifetime."  I even laughed at that.  I laughed again when I heard the incinerator squash the ring.  Poor little innocent ring.  Thanks for serving me little ring.

Here's what I want to know.  Is there a player handbook?  They all say the same shit.  Heard it all before, but hopefully not again.  I stood there and said, next!  I didn't look back.  I wish I had read The Rules when I was a young woman.  I did read He's Just Not that Into You, but like I said, I'm stubborn.  I tend to be a slow learner.  Jeez.

I feel pretty good.  And am amazed at my strength.  A friend told me years ago that I aim too low.  Wish I had listened.  LG thanks for that.  I'd like to say to young women:  Don't settle and don't waste time with Mr. Wrong.  If you do, Mr. Right might not show.  You have to leave room for him.  Live your life, love yourself and take no crap.  Ever.  If you are a woman you are beautiful.  Period.  Not too tall, fat, short, skinny or anything.  We are all friggin' beautiful.  We just forgot it.

And hair.  Well, what does hair have to do with this?  Well, I think you already know I am obsessed with hair.  Usually after a break up I cut mine off as a symbol of my emancipation.  Remember this hair cut from a previous post?  Usually I'm not a fan, and I don't like hair cuts that involve shaving.  But....

Miley Cyrus sure wears that hair don't she?  I mean look at her rocking that hair and owning it.  No wonder she was voted most desirable by someone (Maxim?).  Gosh, wish I had known how cute I was back then.  Miley, you go girl!  'Course Miley's got a cute little face and a banging tiny bod.  The girl would look good in a potato sack.  Not so with me.  But ladies here's the point:  you are fabulous just by being virtue of being a woman.  Period.  The reason Miley is so popular is not just her good looks, it's her confidence.  There is nothing sexier than a woman who is comfortable with who she is.  So whoever you are, rock it.  Use what ya got.

Remember when Felicity (played by the adorable Keri Russell) chopped her locks?  Yeah me neither.  I've never been a TV viewer, I caught the show on Netflix.  I hate commercials.  Not a profound show, but a fun one about a girl with a problem we all need.  Two fabulous men in love with her.  She loves one, but he's not into her.  She lets him go to free herself from pain and cuts her hair.  This is a step almost all women have gone through.  Don't we all want to experiment with short hair at one time or another?  I read that when she cut her hair, her popularity plummeted.  How stupid.  I don't understand haters.

I think she rocks this hair.  Like Miley, Keri is so cute she could rock a potato sack.  She'd look good no matter what she does.  I've had my hair short, coupla times.  I don't feel pretty with short hair.  I've envied girls who can pull off the short platinum look.  But that's not me.  I feel more comfortable in long hair.  And it's bullshit that "older" women can't wear their hair long.

I'm growing my hair to my ass.  But I'm not doing it for a man.  I'm doing it for me.  I can do bad all by myself.  And I'm also okay by myself.  If you are bringing me drama and pain stay away.  I've wanted a ring for so long, I decided to marry myself.  After all, I love my company.  I'm fabulous.  And God blessed me with a great sense of humor.

Ahh Cher.  What can I say about my love, Cher that you haven't read, heard or said yourself?  But I gotta give it a try anyway.  How can a 70 year old woman rock purple and pink hair?  Cuz she's Cher and she's fab.  Cher, you go girl.  For previous post about Cher, click here.

No matter what, I love being a girl.  One of my favorite things right now is nail polish.  Luckily I can get the new funky colors at Dollar General - for - wait for it - a buck!  That's right I'm rocking periwinkle, another of my favorite colors - for a buck.  I married myself today in a lovely ceremony on my balcony.  My best friend, the tree, presided.  I don't believe in diamonds, so this is a 99 cent cheapy from Dot's.

Happy Independence Day!  That's right!  I am my own bride. Image by Peggy.  This is a pic from my art journal, which I plan to publish in the near future.  ( Blue ladies are vintage gift wrapping paper.)

Fuck the haters.  i learned that from Rihanna's instagram.  Warning!  Do not click on badgirlriri's instagram unless you like have nothing to do for, um, the rest of your life.  It's so incredibly addicting - even though she speaks a foreign language I do not understand.  I mean it.  I got so addicted I almost had to find an AA meeting.  But when I called AA, they didn't have a badgirlriri group here in Akron.  Yet.

BTW she is rocking those specs.  Don't believe for one minute that men don't make passes at girls with glasses.  Men make passes at all kinds of women.  Small, big, young, old, white, purple, pink and brown.  It don't matter.  The most appealing thing to a man is ........confidence.  Yep, if you are comfortable with yourself men will be falling at your feet.  And if you're not there yet, don't fret.  Fake it till you make it.  Don't take my word for it.  If you want a man, try it.  Heck if you don't want a man, try it.  Confidence is fun! Confidence is the new black (sorry).  I hate "the new black" metaphors, lol.

Happy Monday Dear Readers!  Hope you had a great weekend.  It's gonna get real on this bitch this week. Warning!  Not for the faint hearted.  I am working on a photo journal telling the story of my life.  It's an insomnia cure for sure, so not a total waste of time.  Some of it will be very graphic, and I hope that all of it will be funny.

I am God's servant.  I am humbled and honored to accept my new mission.  As with my paintings, I do what I do because I must.  I have no choice.  I am here to serve.  Please continue to send prayer requests and thank you for your prayers.  And always remember, I am fabulous.....and so are you!  xo

bittersweet weekend

happy monday dear readers!   what a powerful, profound weekend it was.  it felt like summer, and there were proms, and graduations!  so many grown ups appeared before my eyes that were babies i had thrown in the air - just yesterday.  how did that happen?  i alternated between feeling winsome, giddy, childlike and old and sentimental.  i even had a little regret for my past!  our dresses were no where near as cute in my day.  i wore an ugly dress and had an awful dud of a blind date for my prom!  he wouldn't even dance.  had a horrible time.  i was in awe how many young people went to the prom sans date.  wow!  wish i'd had the courage to do that!  it just wasn't done in my day, but i would've had a much better time going in a group of friends.  so glad the young ladies don't feel that ridiculous pressure any longer.

oops - i digress, this is not about my prom.  this is about the prom of some of my loved ones.  i was fortunate to attend two photo sessions this weekend!  what fun!  i love all these young people.  so much smarter than we were.  i have a feeling they will change the world for the better and not do the stupid shit we did.  oops there i go again - let's have some fun.

i was in awe how adorable every one looked.  from hair, to makeup, nails and dresses!   here is a pic of my niece's 'do.  believe it or not - that's all her own hair!  she's always had the most enviable thick, full head of hair.

the ink is new and was a tad shocking.  but hey, every one's got ink any more.  i'm one of the odd ones who doesn't.  she looked fabulous.  the theme of the prom was Cinderella, which is a coincidence because that's my brother's nickname for her.  she's a fabulous young woman, wise beyond her years.

image by my sister-in-law

her dress was gorgeous!  shimmery cobalt blue and purple with glitter and a hoop skirt!  indeed, she looked  like Cinderella.  and the fabulous nails!  i am in awe of the artistry.

her BFF also looked fabulous.  she wore a shimmery yellow.  and dig her nails!  fab.

image by my nephew's date

my nephew is a junior, attended the prom for the first time.  here is how he asked his date to the prom.  he asked her if she wanted an altoid mint, handed her the tin.  when she opened the tin, this mint was on top. so romantic!  just like his dad.  my brother and sister-in-law met at dunkin' donuts.  they've been married close to 25 years and to this day i think about them when i pass a dunkin' donuts.

my nephew's date is a lovely young lady.  she wore gold with pops of red.  i loved her dress, shoes, earrings, hair and nails!  she's fabulous!

shoe shot of my nephew's group of friends!  i love shoe shots!  and, yes, one of the young ladies wore cowboy boots.  she was the only one not struggling to walk on heels, lol.  a girl after my own heart!  my nephew went to the prom a 16 year old, and returned a 17 year old.  yesterday was his birthday.  i love you...

we've called him boo his whole life.  he's a fine young man.  i'm so proud of him.

there was also grief in my weekend, as you know, it was the anniversary of my other brother's son's passing (see post below). again i experienced the whole gamut of emotions.  seems to be my modus operandi lately.  i also had friends with kids who graduated from college this weekend.  i am so proud of one of my best friends. she overcame the hardship of single motherhood to put her kid through college.  it was a bittersweet day for her.

i hope i am not repeating myself, but i finally understand what Rilke meant.  in one of his poems he used this phrase:  "as painful as boys becoming men."  wow.  i get it.  i guess i'm an experiential learner.  i am now wrestling with my emotions toward another nephew.  he's a teenager.  and popular. just yesterday he was a baby who never left my side, and thought every thing i did and said was fabulous. he used to hide my shoes and pull on my leg when i wanted to leave.  i couldn't even go to the bathroom.

now he barely says hello.  all i can do is let him have space, remind him i love him - when i can - be careful not to embarrass him.  all i can do is hope i've done the right thing and that when he needs me he will return to me.  the love is almost unbearable, i look at him (and my brothers and other nephews and nieces), and get a lump in my throat.  i hope they know how much i love them.

amongst all this happiness, i also grieved the loss of my nephew Nick, who would have been graduating from college as well. i now realize there is something more painful than boys becoming men.  boys NOT becoming men. just a not-so-subtle reminder to never take your children for granted.  sorry for the preaching.  i am a sentimental mess today.  enjoy your day dear readers!  xo

note:  all images by peggy (except where noted).  no images may be reproduced or copied without the express permission of the editor of creative influences.